The self-conscious writer

I wonder how many people are like me who love to write but often do not mention in real life to actual people. When it is mentioned, by someone else, I feel rather flustered. It reminds me a great deal of my University experience. I have a sturdy IQ of 140. I achieved high grades with ease. Had no problems with tests and could write an essay like no one’s business. But I was intellectually timid. I thought that I really didn’t deserve those grades. That perhaps the professors I had were easy graders. Or maybe they liked me personally. Or even pitied me. I wasn’t sure. I liked tests better because getting a good grade there I knew that was all me. Yet I still felt like I was maybe slightly above average. Nothing special for sure. I think it weird that a lot of people who are smart do not take pride in their achievements. And own that. Maybe it is a self-esteem thing. You do gain more confidence as you go along but there is always this lingering timidness that suggests your ideas do not hold as much values as those of other people.

Either way I feel self-conscious about my writing in the same way I felt intellectually timid. Not online of course. Not with fans or people online with questions or comments. But with friends or family who find out I write and ask questions. Gives me this weird vibe. Reminds me of my youth when I was told you never will make any money doing it so not something you should do. I should get over the self-consciousness though because I write because I write. I write because I have stories to tell. Still it would be weird to me if people I knew read my works.

They always ask the typical questions. So what do you write? I say fantasy fiction and non-fiction articles. I leave it at that because I figure if I stay vague that will be that. Often I get the ‘what sort of story are you working on now?’ and I often wonder do they want to hear the answer? Because it takes a little bit to condense the plot-line of a book. While feeling all awkward the entire time.

Or is it just that we don’t want to say we are writers until we can verify are writers? When we cross some sort of invisible line. Make money from writing. Have something traditionally published. Make enough to make a decent living. Consistently traditionally published. And you choose which line to you means you Are a Writer, such that then you can say to others I am a writer without feeling odd and flustered about it. That could be it. Maybe I have not crossed my invisible line. I have had something in print before. I have made a little money, but not enough to make a decent income for sure. I have never had a novel traditionally published though and for fiction writing that would definitely be a goal for the future. Yet I currently enjoy self-publishing and had no issues with that. I don’t expect to earn much from it.



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