random

Don’t feed the beast


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I am quitting smoking. Well I have not had an actual smoke in 11 days but I feed the beast with nicotine mints and a nicotine inhaler. So I still get the fix. Just not as much.

And I crave. And crave.

It is like a knot in the gut that just never quite goes away.

But I say ‘Don’t feed the beast’ because it is a hungry one. I touch one damn smoke and it will be a feast again. And I know it. I am incapable of being a causal smoker. I didn’t have an insane habit mind you. 1/2 a pack a day was my limit. But I like it. I like it a lot. I like the feel of it. The taste of it. The smell of it. The general motions of it. So have just one… not possible.

Nicotine is the worst drug in existence. I know the craving when I finally ween myself off these quit smoking aids will be there for the rest of my life. I know this because I have been told so by people who have quit for a year, 5 years and 10 years. It sticks with you. Hardly makes it worthwhile being stuck with the cravings forever, just cropping up when you least expect it. Always having to tell yourself to not feed the beast.

I have to say I have my reasons for quitting. As we all do. I developed adult onset asthma, so smoking isn’t the most logical thing to do. I have migraines with aura, which increase stroke risk… as does smoking and my neurologist would like me to Decrease my stroke risk. Most of all they are expensive. They raised the cost here a year ago. And then again here. Sin taxes they say. Like you can’t just sin without paying a price. Well the price is too high. That sin is for the damn rich at this point because I can’t afford it. I recent went down to part time work for health reasons and I simply have less of a budget. No room in it for my sins I guess. I’ll wait to they legalize pot for recreational use and take a toke now and again to sooth the ache of increased stress from not smoking.

I am firmly now addicted to the nicorette mints. The dosage is 2mgs of nicotine blissage. I find it calms my rage. As a very mellow, easy-going person I rather do not like my rage. I am angry on the road. I am angry at stupidity. I am angry at work. And I think if I just feed the beast… I’ll calm down again. I’ll be so happy when I suck back on that death stick. Mmm. Inhale. Exhale. Yeah. That is the stuff. But no. I pop in my nicotine candy and it gently calms my rage. But I never get that fix though.

And I wonder how long will it take for the habit of it all to go away so that I can ween myself off the nicotine products without the risk of turning back to smoking? And there is a risk. I have tried this before. And I fail often because I think I am all done, stopped the product and then with stress, often from chronic pain, crave that negative coping mechanism. So this time I am in for the long haul. I will stay on these products as long as it damn well takes. Hell I will use them as a safety net for some time if I have to.

Can’t feed the beast. Damn it.

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