The life

I am limited…

I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited..png

I have basically all my life been limited by chronic pain and illness. This is nothing new. Pacing. Moderation. I know the coping game well. Writing and reading have always been there for me in my coping process as an escape or a distraction. A passion, certainly.

However, with these vestibular symptoms I fear I am trapped in non-functionality. I have put a stop to all freelance writing ventures. I can’t focus in the least bit, so it isn’t feasible. It is downright impossible. I cut down some other things to just focus narrowly as possible on my other blog (health blog). It takes effort to write a post. Effort to think of something to write. Effort I have never had to go through before for writing something so simple and flow of consciousness before.

I have a novel ready to be self-published if I can finish editing it. I cannot. I can’t track well with my eyes most of the time. And I have this intense brain fog with the dizziness and vertigo making it impossible to focus. It is just impossible to do. So there it sits.

I have a Work in Progress that I occasionally write snippets in, but I lack clarity for any real writing. I will try to plug away at it to at least have this one joy left to me.

And reading, my main comfort, I just cannot do with my eyes so wonky and my concentration to just gone. Just not there. Just zoned out. No one home. Here lives dizzy spells and falling sensations. I am going to try audiobooks. The last audiobook I tried was when I was 12. I wasn’t fond of it. Put me to sleep. Never was fond of someone reading a book to me. It took me ‘out of it’. But I feel this is my only option to touch something fundamental to my existence.

Pain has always been my price for life. Every inch of life I dealt with it. It never occurred to me symptoms like these could take more than pain. Have more of a price. Pain takes so very much. Its impact is immense. You question your very sanity. You question your very existence and what exactly it is worth. But this… it is stealing my joy. But, oh, I will fight for it. I will fight for it.


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